Sunday, October 16, 2022

Men Without Faith

When considering the issue of crime in Jackson and other areas, a lot of people see a lot of things; what I see are young men who don't believe the American dream applies to them, so they take what they can get.  They may not believe they can work hard, obey the rules, and get anywhere in life, but they know they can be a thug and get an iPhone and maybe some gold chains, and it becomes a bird in the hand situation.

Doing the work and making the dream happen is on them, but this country spent generations making sure the American Dream didn't apply to people like them, so now it's our job to somehow make sure they believe things are different.  Making them believe is on us.  Reparations and transfer socialism won't solve anything long term.  If you can't change a man's heart, you won't change anything.  

I'm probably the worst person to be talking about this.  I had every advantage in the world, but I still didn't believe in myself or in the system.  That doesn't mean I'm giving up.  Having been there myself, I know men can change.  A young man can be the most powerful creative force in the world if he believes.  He can be the most destructive if he does not.  

There's nowhere you can run from this.  There's no suburb you can move to, there's no gated community you can hide behind, America is split in two, and one half doesn't believe there's any hope and doesn't believe in themselves or us, the other half believes they can outrun the problem, and it'll go away, so they move further and further away from their home.

The answer to me is quite clear.  We can only take these two broken halves and somehow meld them together.  I don't exactly know how to do that.  I wish I did.  I know they will have to give up a bit of their culture, and we'll have to give up a bit of ours, and together we'll have to forge a new culture, a new history, and a new future.  Two broken cultures must become one whole one.

I hate having this conversation because it always comes out as the same bullshit people have been trying to sell us since the sixties, and however we've been trying to make it happen, it obviously hasn't been working.  I do, though.  I do.  I do.  I do believe.  I just don't know how to do it. 
It is the only way.  I know that.  I don't want to leave this problem to my grandchildren or great-grandchildren or great-great-grandchildren like it was left to me.  


Saturday, October 15, 2022

The World Trees and Vacation Bible School

Before my mother produced a girl-child and we ran out of bedrooms, we lived in a nice little house on Northside Drive.  My mother's childhood friend Betty Wright lived around the corner.  When I was a teenager, she was instrumental in apprising my mother of my adventures and making sure I survived them.  Behind our house was Martha Hammond.  The woman who made me want to read, even though I couldn't.  She was dear enough to me that she became simply "Hammond," not Mrs. Hammond or any other method we're taught to address grown-ups.  Being a stutterer, I sometimes had trouble saying anything at all, so adding supernumerous words like "Mrs" sometimes meant I stayed silent.

My mother's firstborn and Lee Hammond had access to and helped build a treehouse.  Getting up to the treehouse meant reaching and stepping on two boards nailed to the trunk of the tree, then to a limb, then into the forest green painted house.  My brother and my other brother, and Lee Hammond, gained access to the treehouse and moved about it as I imagined monkeys might be in the wild.  Being too small, I couldn't reach that first board nailed into the tree.  Without that first step, all the other steps were irrelevant.  Life in the trees was not meant for me.  Not yet.  The message was clear, though.  Trees meant vantage and perspective.  Trees meant fun, but most of all, trees meant freedom.

Because our house had no more room for another child's bed (and a girl's bed at that), my father bought two acres from Mayor Speed in an area that became known as Eastover.  The recent death of my uncle meant that I would take his name, and my father got a pretty serious promotion to replace him.  It meant the family would have more money.  It also meant that for the next thirty years, I had to be clever if I wanted to spend any time with my father.  He made an attempt to be my companion at Indian Guide's meetings, but I was sent to Indian Guides fatherless often enough that I would start refusing to go.  

Eventually, I would gain the favor of Charlie Deaton and Robert Wingate by learning to fish, which meant my father could take me fishing with them.  I also learned the names and committee assignments of every Mississippi House of Representatives and Senate member and learned to mix drinks.  One made me interesting, and the other made me useful.  Knowing how to fish and clean fish gave me the potential to be both interesting and useful, but only Ross Bass could cook them properly.   It was a sound strategy.  I told you I had to be clever.

Behind our new house, Warren and Elsie Hood bought about a twenty-five-acre lot.  They built a house and manicured about three acres of this lot; the rest they left Mississippi wilderness.  That he earned the money for this purchase with Mississippi timber made it a logical choice.  Warren Hood was a gentle, sometimes quiet creature.  You wouldn't suspect him as the kind of man who rode a helicopter to work.  He would eventually give up the practice.  Too loud and too expensive, he complained.  I believe he kept the helicopter to inspect timber properties, but I don't think he rode it very often.  

Elsie Hood was a powerful country girl with square hips and strong shoulders.  She had kind eyes and a mind like a steel trap.  Eventually, she would acquire a major stake in Mississippi's largest bank and would be instrumental in its sale.  In the sale, the foreign investors (from outside of Mississippi) promised her to keep on the majority of the bank's employees.  A promise they didn't keep.  Elsie took a special interest in my sister and Lee Kroeze, our neighbor.  Sometimes Mrs. Hood had tea parties for the girls and had an interest in them all their lives.  She was there the day we buried Lee before she had the chance to pick a college.  I don't like to talk about that very much.

Sometimes, Mrs. Hood would catch me adventuring in her woods.  

"Hue! Boyd!  What'ya doin'?"

"Jes climbing trees.  I saw a snake over yonder."

"Did ya kill it?"

"No'm.  It were just a king snake."  

Then she'd leave me to my wanderings.  In the middle of the Hood's Woods was a wild southern live oak.  Domestic live oaks were planted generations before and meant your family had been part of Mississippi stretching back to the civil war days.  Their limbs were carefully trimmed and sometimes braced to create the most impressive possible display.  A wild live oak was something different.  It was dark and sinuous.  Some limbs were steady as stone, while others lured you out on them, only to crack and give way if you ventured out far enough.  Fortunately, I was young enough to take a pretty good fall without much event. 

This was Yggdrasil, my world tree.  Adventuring into its limbs made my own young limbs stronger.  It gave me perspective and vantage and fueled my budding imagination.  At its base was Nidhogg, the dragon that chewed at the roots of your resolve and reputation.  Nidhogg would follow for the rest of my life.  We did battle many times in my efforts to find another world tree.

Soon, I was old enough to attend Vacation Bible School.  In those days, what would become known as VBS was held at the McRae farm.  Each class would meet under a different live oak tree for crafts and singing, and fellowship.  Fellowship meant playing with other kids, which was hard for me to do because I stuttered.  At school, I learned that if I said something inappropriate, the other kids would laugh, so it didn't matter if sometimes I couldn't get my words out the way I wanted.  Sunday school was different, though.  That was the domain of my mother, and my grandmother and I had to behave, so I was usually just quiet.  

Vacation Bible School was run by the same people who ran our Sunday School, which were usually mothers of somebody or another, and they were assisted by the members of the United Methodist Youth Fellowship, which meant teenagers and included such notable persons as George Patton, Bill, and Gail Gober and more.  They wore blue jeans and played guitars, and generally ignored us, spending their time together trying to figure out the rules on the young end of the teenage experience.  Soon, they'd be on the far end of the teenage adventure and going off to college and I began my own teenage matriculation.

The live oak trees at the McRae farm weren't like the wild Yggdrasil of Mrs. Hood's Woods.  They were trim and tame, and their limbs were decorated with scampering young methodists learning songs about Jesus.  Unable to speak properly, I was mostly quiet and sought out the higher branches, where I could watch the others learn.  This wasn't my world tree, but it was a good one and a place to grow.

I hadn't yet made the connection that the McRaes who sat near my grandparents at church were the same people that owned the store where my mother bought my clothes.  We shopped in the "husky" section, which was a polite word for fat.   I struggled with fat most of my life.  For a while, fat thought it had me beat, and soon the referee would count me out, but in the last seconds, I pulled a surprise move and vanquished fat forever.  I risked my life in the process, but I wasn't going to die that way.

I would always find a tree to climb in.  They were my refuge and my cave of wonders.  In college, there were two live oak trees beside the KA house and a massive one in front of the Chi-O house.  Many times would find me in their limbs.  Sometimes nobody knew I was there, which was perfect.  I'd been given therapy for my speech impediment, so by college, it was much better, but there were still times when my words wouldn't come out right or wouldn't start at all.  Even now, if you see me quiet, I might be thinking, I might be bored, I might be sleeping, or I might just be frustrated that my words won't come out, so I shut my mouth and let it have a temporary victory.

In college, I met a willowy beauty who was a friend of my sister's.  Her speech patterns matched my own.  Speaking together triggered the speech impediment for each of us, so, of course, we became friends, even if our conversations were unintelligible to others.

"Hey....b...Boyd!"

".....H.Hey Laryn!"

"Have you s.s.s.een your s.s.sister?"

She would eventually marry a young man who had already impressed me before he met her.  I think of them often.  Sometimes the trees I found refuge in were people.  Eventually, I made a kind of peace with my voice and the trees and the dragons chewing at their roots.  

The last time I drove through my old neighborhood, I noticed somebody had cut down my Yggdrasil and built a house there.  You truly can never go home again.  The tree lives in me, though.  Its roots and limbs are tendrils connecting me to the people and places, and events of history.  The world tree is time itself, and the dragon chewing at its roots, my own mortality.  One day the dragon will win and take me like it took my father, and his father, and his father.  Wherever it takes me, I know I'll have friends; and maybe I'll be able to speak freely.    





Friday, October 14, 2022

The Potato Queens Were Pretty Sweet Actually

 I joined the first St. Patrick's Day Parade because Inez said I could.  You'd be surprised how many of my stories start that way.  She was Merlin, and I was Wart in the peculiar Camelot of Millsaps in the 80s.  At nineteen, I wore a suit to work because I was trying to impress upon my father and grandfather that I could make something of myself, despite myself.  

I didn't change clothes after work because I was in a bad mood.  The plan was to buy twelve beers, kept cold in the ice chest in my trunk that had been there since the ninth grade, for just this purpose, get an Inez Burger and Cheese Fries to go and drink myself into oblivion, listening to U2 on the porch of the KA house.  I was in a bad mood because a pretty blonde girl, with a french name, from the delta told me we couldn't do again what we had done before because her heart belonged to another, and she wanted to be free in case he noticed her.  While I respected her position, I was in a sour mood because I was tired of being confused by women, but burgers and beer and music were never confusing, so I had my agenda set.

Only, when I got to CS's to place my order, it was already packed.  Packed by an unusual crowd and surrounded by cars and trucks and convertibles, who weren't parked, but in line for something.  

"It's a parade, baby.  Get in!"

That's all the invitation I needed.  I suspect Inez meant for me to get in one of the convertibles or pickup trucks lined up for the parade.  I had other ideas.  "Boyd's in the tree, again."  Was a pretty common phrase in those days.  Something about alcohol (and similar devices) inspired a desire in me to rise above the common man, usually by way of a tree, a wall, or a ladder.  It may have been related to my watching King Kong over 100 times by then, but it more likely began with the massive magnolia tree in front of my Bubba's house on St Ann Street.  Sometimes I would take a co-conspirator with me.  William Douglass Mann was the perfect companion on these missions, but he wasn't there that day.

Not having many actual floats or other parade accouterments, Malcolm and Pat arranged for two or three beer delivery trucks to be in the parade.  I'm not sure why they don't have beer delivery trucks in every parade.  It seems like a natural choice.  Inez wanted me to get in one of the convertibles, but I noticed the nice wide, flat roof of the beer truck, then I noticed that its bumper led to some nicely arranged footholds leading to the roof.  I knew what I had to do.

The Roof!  Despite wearing my Allen Edmonds oxfords and my navy, chalk-striped suit, I made short work of ascending the back of the beer truck, and I did it holding a Budwiser long-neck.  Beat that, King Kong.

"Boyd!" My friend Bonehead shouted from below.  "How did you get up there?"  I pointed to the rear bumper, and soon there were two.  "Boyd!"  It was my brother this time.  Somehow he had gotten prior word of the parade and wore appropriate green attire.  I pointed to the bumper, and then there were three.

Whoever designed beer trucks knew that streetlights and powerlines hung at a certain height above the street, and they had to design their trucks to go safely under them.  What they didn't account for was three drunk boys standing on top of the truck.  Fortunately, my brother was alert enough to shout "Duck" in time to prevent Bonehead or me from getting our heads knocked off by a street light as the parade got underway.

A few cars ahead of us were a bunch of girls I knew dressed as floozies, throwing what looked like actual sweet potatoes to the crowd on the sidewalk watching our spectacle.  They would soon realize that throwing quarter-pound sweet potatoes out of a moving car into an unsuspecting audience might carry some danger and liability, so actual sweet potatoes didn't make another appearance in what would become the yearly St. Patricks Day parade.  

The Sweet Potato Queens were always fascinating to me.  In any other capitol city, they would have become an icon of the gay and drag culture, but in Jackson, Mississippi, they became a model for girls on the rubicon of turning thirty, who were Sorority girls and Debutantes, and trying not to become their mother, while becoming their mother.  Having known some of their actual mothers, that wouldn't have been such a bad thing, but these women wanted to have a more unique experience in our culture.  

Some of them were actually the older sisters of boys I knew.  I recognized them from CS's, Poets, Cherokee, and Scrooge's, which pretty much summed up the under-forty social world of Jackson at the time, unless you were wearing cowboy boots.  In those days, there wasn't that much to offer young women besides the Junior League, The Garden Club, and motherhood.  Most of these girls would go on to participate in each of these roles, but every one of them would also make their mark in some new and unusual way that enriched Mississippi and Jackson.  I cannot think of one I do not love and admire.

In the years that followed, I would design and build and paint many St. Paddy's day floats, whether I rode in them or not.  Even in my years in self-prescribed exile, I watched the parade from my window, remembering the parades of the past.  It's not often you get to witness the birth of a cultural touchstone, but I was there the day the Sweet Potato Queens stepped out into the world.  

The parade ended at the parking lot by George Street Grocery.  Having not planned to be in the parade, we hadn't arranged for a ride home, so Bonehead, my Brother, and I hoofed it back down West Street to Millsaps, despite our less-than-sober condition.    "That was cool!  Let's do it again!" And we did.


Thursday, October 13, 2022

I Followed the Moonshadow

"Teaser, I have an idea."

"Yes, Firecat?"

"I want you to give up your plow, your land, and even your hands."

"I don't understand, Firecat."

"Then, I want you to give up your eyes, your legs, and your mouth."

"I don't understand, Firecat; what will this get me?"

"If you do these things, then you won't have to work, or cry, or walk, or even to talk no more."

"What sort of man will I be if I cannot work or walk or talk or cry?"

"You can do these things now, Teaser.  Are you happy?"

"No.  I am very unhappy, Firecat."

"You are my closest companion.  Come with me, child, and we will follow the moon's shadow and leave all these things behind."

And so, I gave up my work, my hands, my legs, my eyes, and my mouth, and I followed Firecat and the shadow of the moon.  We went further and further into the wood of forgets, trying to be happy.

One day, I woke and knew that I couldn't work, I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk, and I couldn't see.

"Firecat!  I have to go back!  This is death!"

"The carpenter's son said, if you go back now, your father will have a feast and serve the fatted calf and welcome you as his lost lamb."

"I don't want a feast.  I don't want a fatted calf.  I just want to be in the world again."  I said.

"I know, child."

"I would like to see my father again, though."

"I know, child."

"Are you my father, Firecat?"

"I am your friend."

"I'm leaving now, Firecat.  I'm going into the world again--Will you go with me?"

"I'm always with you, Teaser.  I've never left you."

"What will people say--when I find the world again?"

"They will say Welcome Home, Teaser.  You are our lamb."

Official Ted Lasso