Tuesday, January 17, 2023

Immutable

Medgar Wiley Evers was assassinated by a white man from the Mississippi delta on June twelfth, nineteen sixty-three.  Four days later and less than five miles away, I was born.   Four years and ten months later, Martin Luther King Junior would receive the same in Memphis, a three hours drive north of me.  That's the world I was born into.

Of my father's many frustrations with me (in his mind, the worst) was that I could calmly absorb any amount of energy or abuse, or effort to change my mind or change my course of action without any reaction or change on my part.  I was immutable.  I never put on a big drama or shouted, "It's MY LIFE, Daddy!" I simply would quietly not change my course, no matter how hard he pushed me in another direction.  I got this, of course, from him.

I was born into a world afire.  Afire because my home had a large population of people whose fathers and grandfathers had been field slaves and because the population of people who looked like me was determined to keep these seeds of slaves separated from the political and social power their numbers would otherwise grant them.  Closer to home, there was a fire in my personal world because my uncle left the world as I was coming in, and much of what he was then fell on my father.  

Not yet forty, Daddy was appointed to the Board of Directors of Millsaps college and then chairman of the board before I could walk properly.  Daddy's rise came not from charisma or ambition or wealth but because he put his body and his life into the jaws and gears of our society and pulled with all his might.  Even when he had no idea what he was doing, he would pull with all his might, and somehow things would move.  There was a cost to what he was doing, but he bore it so I, and my brothers, and my baby sister would have a home, a Mississippi that was better than what we were born into.  Eventually, it would take his life, but on this, he was Immutable.  

As the Methodist church became United in Mississippi, it was decidedly not united on one thing.  Some of us believed Christ obligated us to accept these progeny of our father's slaves as brothers, and love them and foster them as a matter of our christ-calling, on this they became Immutable.  Others thought this an abomination.  A destruction of the armature of the society we lived in, and a threat to our very existence, on this they were immutable.  

Millsaps College was, and is now a Methodist organization.  Many of our students would become methodist ministers.  Many of our professors, even those not teaching religion, were also methodist ministers, including men who daddy spent his childhood with.

As the American world and the American South began to consider a change in how they treated their children of African descent, forces in Mississippi began to push back with all their might against this change, even to the point of murder, of several murders, even murders of people I would now describe as children, even though they were remarkably brave and involved in a very adult adventure.  

At Millsaps, there was a feeling growing among some of our faculty to push in the other direction, that they were called by Christ to push back in the other direction.  In this, they found kinship with another Christian College, an organization of the Disciples of Christ created to serve and elevate Mississippi's black children, Tougaloo College.  Their symbol of the Star and our symbol of the Maple Leaf became entwined in an effort to make a basal change in Mississippi, a change many would do anything to prevent.  

Daddy's opinion of the Civil Rights Movement was built around his exposure to Ivan Allen.  Allen was the Mayor of Atlanta, even more importantly, he was a stationer, a purveyor of office and school supplies, like my father, and that's how they met.  Since the end of the war, Allen had a simple proposal:  Atlanta had too many negros for the city to prosper so long as we held our foot on their necks.  For him, this wasn't a matter of radical or even Christian thought, it was simply a matter of business.  There's no way for Atlanta to prosper if seventy percent of the city did their best to keep thirty percent as poor and as powerless as they possibly could.  That'd be like trying to run your car with two of the six cylinders welded to the engine block.  This was the course my Uncle Boyd, and my Father took.  They weren't radicals.  They weren't even particularly interested in Mississippi-African culture beyond their cooking, but they were interested in elevating the opportunities and activities of Mississippi, and there was no way to do that if we kept our foot on the necks of a third of our citizens.

There were people at Millsaps who were much more passionate and active on these issues, and as the sixties opened and Kennedy and Johnson began to open new opportunities, some of Millsaps faculty and several of our students began to move with energy in that direction, and they did it where they could be seen, and they did it knowing there were those who would see and know and say "That Millsaps Professor was in amongst 'em!  He's agin us!"

I was a child when all this began.  A small child at first, but I grew.  A small child but an extraordinarily observant child, and I grew, and I watched.   Daddy was not one for broad or loud statements of political purpose, but he was determined.  At his office on South Street in downtown Jackson, the first person you saw when you entered the building was a black woman Daddy hired as receptionist.  There were plenty of white women who could be our receptionist; by the time I was old enough to work, they all were white, but Daddy was making a point.  A point he would never articulate but a point nobody could miss.  A black woman answered our phone.  When angry men would call my father at work with a mind to force him to force these Millsaps professors to change their ways, a black woman would answer the phone.  "I'm sorry, but Mr. Campbell isn't in right now.  Can I take a message?"  She was immutable.

At home, both when we lived on Northside Drive, and when we lived on Honeysuckle lane, our house phone was in the kitchen.  This was fairly common in most homes.  It was separated by a door from the breakfast room where were ate most of our meals, one of the few places where I'd get to see my father in the early days of his career.  The world would pull him to other places, but he made every effort to eat with us, when he was in town, but until I got old enough to work with him, that was often the only time I had with him.

Most people, in my part of the world and in my generation, had dinner between six and seven o'clock.  Most people in my generation and in my part of the world never used the telephone in those hours.  It was rude.  Men who were very angry with Millsaps, and believing they could force my father to change things if they spoke to him strongly enough, but couldn't reach him at the office, didn't care about being rude.  They would call during dinner hours and continue to call until someone answered.  

In most homes, children were encouraged to answer the telephone because it taught them to be courteous and well-spoken.  Because of my stammer, it would be several years before I became well-spoken, but that's not why I wasn't encouraged to answer the phone.  Sometimes the people on the other end had no concern that I was a child.  They had an angry message to deliver, and if I was the one they had to deliver it to, so be it.  I would tell you what they said, but my Aunt reads these, and it makes her sore when I use those words.

When the phone rang during mealtime, a look passed between my mother and father.  Mother's chair was closest to the kitchen door.  I sat to her left, my sister to her right.  Mother would answer the phone.  "Hello?"  If it was family or a friend, her face would light up, and she'd have her conversation, usually with women who were also feeding their family but had news that couldn't wait, usually her sister or her niece.  If it was a salesman, she'd just say, "we're not interested." and go back to dinner.   Sometimes, though.  Sometimes she'd hold the phone out and say "Jim," and everybody's face would change.

When daddy took a call during dinner, it wasn't a good thing.  If they were saying to him what they sometimes said when I answered the phone, it wasn't a good thing at all.  He never betrayed what was said.  If it was angry or cruel, or just stupid, he would calmly say, "thank you for your call" and hang up.  Sometimes though, sometimes the call wasn't somebody he could just dismiss.  Sometimes the call was from somebody who was important to our business or somebody who was important to our state, and Daddy had to listen closely to what they had to say, even if he had no intention of doing what they were trying to make him do.  He was immutable despite incredible pressure to change him, but he was polite.

Tonight I put on a tie and shaved my head so I could attend a celebration in honor of Martin Luther King Junior at Millsaps college.  An event put on, appropriately in tandem with Tougaloo college.  Soon, it will be sixty years from the day Medar Evers was shot, then sixty years from the day I was born.  Millsaps celebrates by making the Medgar and Myrlie Evers Institute part of the Millsaps Family and giving them space in the John Stone house a few steps away.  Young people from Millsaps and Tougaloo stood and spoke and sang on the very spot where I performed or administered many plays and performances in a new structure for a new century. 

Even though it's been sixty years, I'd like to be able to say the issues Medgar Evers gave his life for were no longer a concern in Mississippi, but they are.  I'd like to say that the issues that made people angry at my father and angry at Millsaps were no longer a concern, but they are.  The only faculty members left from those early days in the sixties are T.W. Lewis and Charles Sallis.  They weren't there last night, but they were on my mind.  

I cannot tell you what the future will bring.  Millsaps and Jackson, and Mississippi are all struggling right now.  We're fighting for our lives, not because it's our lives so much as it's the lives of those who will come after us.  There's a secret that I know, that I was taught as a child.  I am old.  Millsaps is old.  They are.  We are.  I am, and will continue to be immutable.  We remain because if we don't, others will suffer.  


Monday, January 16, 2023

Forgiving The Forgets

I try to make forgiveness a daily habit.  Jesus pretty strongly implies that if we want God to forgive us, we have to forgive each other.  I figure that's a fair trade.  I'd much rather be forgiven myself than hold a grudge against anyone.  I'm an agnostic leaning heavily toward faithful and obedient either way, but even if you're completely an atheist, there's still someone you want forgiveness from, even if it's just yourself, and it's not equitable for anyone to expect forgiveness for themselves if they're not willing to do it for others.  

Forgetting is another matter.  I like to scribble.  It also is a daily habit, whether I show it off to anyone or not.  I like to write from my imagination, but I prefer to write from memory.  That has its own rewards but its own challenges also.   Some of it requires that I rub my fingers along old wounds and see if they're still wet to see if there's anything to write about.

The wet ones are what I make my stories from.  I hover over them and observe how the flesh knits around the scar and pull at the sides to see if any bright red will flow.  Some of my best stuff comes that way.  Some of the things I can never, ever, ever show anyone comes that way too.  

Some of the very best writers, particularly the Southern writers I obsess over, combine this method with imaginative writing and produce works like Sound and the Fury and Glass Menagerie.  I'll never reach those heights, but I understand bits of the process they go through.  It's very powerful, but it's also devastating.  If you look at what happened to people like Faulkner and Williams and Hemmingway, by the time they're forty, this reopening of old wounds takes a toll.  The blood loss starts to be evident in their everyday life and in their drinking.

There came a point in my life when I started to avoid drinking.  There were so many people I loved that spent part of their lives getting drunk every day.  I did too.  There were entire years when I'd sit at the dark corner of the bar at Scrooges, drinking, and thinking.  Remembering and drinking.  Part of how I write is to sit quietly and turn the words over in my head, stacking them and cutting them until they start to resemble something I remember.  There comes a point in the process where I'm ready to start putting it down on paper, so I'd pay my tab and thank Keough, the bartender, for the company and go on my way home where my computer was.  She's Irish, and her husband is Cuban, so I think she understood.

Spending a lot of time remembering everything you ever did wrong, everything and everyone that ever hurt you, and turning it over and over in your mind, probably isn't a very healthy way to live.  Everyone does it, though.  At least the way I do it, there's something at the end to show for the time spent.  

It creates a sort of everpresent sense of melancholy and dread that writers and poets, and artists can be known for.  Sometimes it ends badly for them.  Those are the famous ones.  I think my obsession with forgiveness saves me from that, though.  I may spend the day wondering why someone would do a terrible thing to me, but it always ends with me forgiving them for it, and that softens the ache. 

I can't really posit writing a healthy activity, especially as a daily habit.  I've seen it wreck some beautiful people.  Today, young writers celebrate the melancholy of a Sylvia Plath or an Emily Dickinson without really considering what it did to them as people.   Poor John Kennedy Toole never even got to see any of his works published before the writing process burst all the sutures he made for himself, and he expired by his own hand, younger than Jesus was when he died.

What I can say is that keeping your sanity while you write requires a generous helping of self-forgiveness.  There will be times when you spend the entire day saying, "why, why, why," where only admitting you did your best and forgiveness will keep the water from your eyes.  If I love you, and I do love you, then I cannot recommend this path for you.  The pain of life feeds it, and you develop something of an addiction to it.  But, if you love me, and I hope you do, I can tell you I am safe.  I'm in no danger of ending up like Toole or Hemmingway, or Plath.  There will be days when it doesn't seem so, but I've gotten pretty good at forgiving myself.  


Sunday, January 15, 2023

Flat Footed

Try not to read too much into this.  It's real, but it's a combination of several conversations with more than one person over a period of time.  What's important is that I somehow understand what they were feeling, even though it was many years ago now.  Maybe I'm trying to figure out what I was feeling, too.  What I was thinking.  Why I was caught so very flat-footed, hit between the eyes when I was supposed to be the observant one.  I don't hold any grudges.  It's all just a whisper of a memory.  I've never stopped caring for anyone, no matter what happened.  Sometimes, I just wasn't able to be what they needed me to be.

        Robert: 

"Whatever it takes, I feel obligated to try and work things out."

        Lisa:

"I know"

        Robert:

"I've invested a great deal of time...you're important to me.  Your happiness, it's important to me.  I've invested..."

        Lisa:

"I know"

        Robert:

"Try to explain to me...  Tell me.  Tell me, what went wrong?  What happened?"

        Lisa:

"It wasn't real."

        Robert:

"Wasn't real?  What do you mean?  What wasn't real?"

        Lisa:

"none of it."

        Robert:

"None of what?"

        Lisa:

"None of what was happening.  None of it is what I wanted.  None of it is what I ever wanted."

        Robert: 

"But, you said... We had plans.  You said this is what you wanted.  You said I was doing what you wanted, what you needed.  We went to... We did things ...  How could none of it have been real?"

        Lisa:

"I was taking a lot of pills."

        Robert: 

"I knew,"

        Lisa:

"You knew what?"

        Robert: 

"I knew about the pills, ok?  I knew."

        Lisa:

"They made me do things, say things...It's not my fault."

        Robert: 

"Was it my fault?"

        Lisa:

"You let it happen."

        Robert: 

"Let what happen?"

        Lisa:

"You let me do it."

        Robert: 

"I was doing... I was trying to do... You said you needed me to do these things."

        Lisa:

"I said a lot of things.  They weren't real."

        Robert: 

"I don't understand."

        Lisa:

"They weren't real."

        Robert: 

"To me... What I said was real!  What I did...  I meant it.  I meant all of it.  I was telling the truth!"

        Lisa:

"I know."

        Robert: 

"I...What do I do now?  Where do we stand?'

        Lisa:

"We don't.  You move on."

        Robert: 

"I don't understand.  I did...  I did what I was supposed to do.  I did what I said I would do.  I did what YOU said you needed me to do.  I was telling the truth. The whole time.  I meant what I said.  I felt what I said.  I did what I was supposed to do!  How is a man supposed to know what to do?  I acted on what you said, on what you did.  I responded to what you said, what you said you were feeling, what you said you needed.  I did what I was supposed to do."

        Lisa:

"It wasn't real."

        Robert: 

"It wasn't real.  You said that.  It wasn't real.  How am I supposed to know what's real?"

        Lisa:

"You don't."

        Robert: 

"I just was just.  I wanted to do the right thing."

        Lisa:"

I know.  You have a right to be angry."

        Robert: 

"I'm not.  I'm trying not to be.  Me getting angry doesn't solve anything.  I'm not angry.  I'm not!"

        Lisa:

"There's nothing to solve.  I have to move on."

        Robert: 

"Move on?  Move on where?"

        Lisa:"

I have a job.  Friends.  A life.  I'll move on."

        Robert: 

"I'm not sure what I have.  I thought I was doing the right thing.  I thought I was helping."

        Lisa:

"You helped a lot."

        Robert: 

"At least that was real?"

        Lisa:

"I have to move on.  You have to move on.  I can't live a lie."

        Robert: 

"you... you lied to me."

        Lisa:

"I have to go."

        Robert: 

"I'm staying... I'm staying here for a while.  You.  All of it was lies?"

        Lisa:

"I have to go."

        Robert: 

"I'll go.  I'll go too.  I don't know when."




Saturday, January 14, 2023

Lonely Paintings

I can't mention the names of the people in these kinds of stories.  They deserve their privacy.  Besides, the point is not who they are but what they are and how they lived, at least in my stories.

She'd grown accustomed to living in the room beside her husband in the skilled nursing facility.  Both struggled with daily tasks in their ninetieth decade but wanted little more than to be together.  They'd visit each other's room, watch television, read what's left of our newspaper, and talk with the sitter.  After seventy-five years together, few words had to pass between them to communicate a lifetime of experience.

He died quietly while I was visiting my family.  When I got back in the building, I could tell something was wrong,  Days later, he was gone, but his room was the same.  The bed was made, and everything was in order, but he wasn't there.  With the lights out, you'd think he was napping.  

In his room, there were three or four large paintings and three or four more in his wife's room.  I knew something about him that nobody else in the building knew.  In his younger days, he was a member of the Jackson Watercolor Society, now the Mississippi Water Society.  I thought I recognized the paintings as his own, but they might also be by his master, John Gaddis.  I asked his nurse to quietly check the signatures for me.  They were his.

Watercolorists always seemed a bit of magic to me.  I knew several great ones, including Jackie Meena, who lived across the street.  I was allowed to take drawing from the daughter of Mildred and Carl Wolfe because they taught at Millsaps.  I was allowed to take oil from the daughter of Carter O'Ferrall, who was Grandaddy's best friend, and one of the kindest men I had ever met.  

Make no mistake about it, though; Art was for housewives and weirdos.  As much as I admired the work of Walter Anderson, it's no mystery which camp he fell into.  I was meant for greater things.  I had no other choice.  

"You could be anything you want, Buddy.  If only you'd settle down and study."
"I'm trying.  I promise."
"You could be a doctor if you wanted to.  You're really smart.  Wouldn't you want to do that?"
"I guess."
"How about you spend less time with those comic books and monster movies and try harder at math?"
"Ok, I'll try."

Oil paint, and acrylic, and pencil drawings, you could kind of control those.  They would do what you told them for the most part.  Watercolor was different.  You laid out an opportunity for it and did your best to guide the shapes on your page.  I would watch Mrs. Meena work a few times.  She'd move her brush across the paper like she was planting seeds that grew in the fibers of the expensive art paper she got downtown.  There was no way I could do that.  Not ever.  I stuck with oil and drawing for a while but gave them up because everybody knew life called me for other things.  At least, that's what I was told.

For me, landing in a skilled nursing facility was almost like I died and was born again.  All the shackles that held me down wore away, and I could remake myself according to what I really was.  A bulletin outside the community room said, "Water Color Class-Hope Carr."  I thought, "what's the worst that can happen?  If it's horrible, I don't really know the other people in the class, so it won't be too embarrassing."  Now, I'm making five or six new paintings a week.  I'm not good at watercolor yet, but I'm not afraid of it anymore, and my lifelong admiration of those who were good at it helps guide and inspire me.

I go by the room of my neighbor who lost her husband, pretending to be on an errand but really just checking on her.  After so many years together, being apart must feel like a great empty spot for her.  Her husband was in high school with my mother and father.  When I would see his father, he'd ask Daddy, "have you seen my boy?"  Daddy would say he had.  They were on boards together and had many common friends.  

I was kind of like his wife; he'd always been there--now he's gone.  Sometimes she'd go into his room and turn the light on to see if he was napping, then remember, after more than seventy years, he's not there anymore.  She'd pause and let the thought sink in, then turn the light off and go back to her room alone.  The unfairness of her moment strikes me like a cold wind.  You spend decades building a life with someone, then one day, there's a hole in your life where they used to be, and nothing will fill it.  

I suppose it won't be long before they pack up the things in his room and take them away, leaving her even more alone.  I hope his paintings go to someone special.  They weren't easily made, and there won't be any more of them.  I'm glad I got to be near him in the last days.  It's good to have somebody who knows what you were but still appreciates what you are now.  I don't know that I'll ever be as good a painter as he was.  I've had some great teachers but never much confidence.  I'm free now, though.  Anything can happen.  His paintings transcend him.  Art is like that.


 

Official Ted Lasso