Hello, midnight

Hello, midnight.  It's me again.  You were expecting me, I suppose.

I accomplished less than half of what I wanted to do today, but I added some tasks that weren't on the schedule, so I don't feel bad about it.  Some of the letters I wanted to finish, I didn't, but I did finish two that weren't planned so that some old friends might rest a little easier in their journey.  I feel pretty good about that.  I'm pretty bad for filling my life with side quests, and then I avoid looking at the primary objective because I feel bad for not working on it.  

Noom says I can eat five or six pounds of certain foods without worry, so I tried that.  There's an African restaurant near me that seems to be in danger of winning a James Beard award, so I sampled selections from their vegetarian choices.  They deserve the award, but I am still so very full.  Noom says I'm still eighteen hundred calories short of my allowed intake today.  I think it's going to have to stay that way.  Some very talented people are turning Mississippi into a food destination.  As a lifelong devotee of food, I'm proud to say I know most of them, some since childhood.  

I came out of hibernation into a world where it's becoming dangerous to be a teacher, a world where it's dangerous to be gay again, even more dangerous if you're transgender, even more than when I was little.  Midnight, you brought me back into a world where the people who base their careers on claiming to represent the Christ are utterly ignoring his command to care for the poor and protect the weak--even working against them.

I am old, midnight.  My weapons are dull.  My parts are broken.  My strongest allies lie in the dirt.  This is not the best time to call for me.  I do hear you.  Of course, I do.  Summon a dragon and the knight will appear.  Is that your plan?  This knight is old and broken, Midnight.  But, you know that don't you?

I'm packing my kit.  Of course, I am.  You knew I would, didn't you?  I can tell you right now, this isn't going to work.  I'm not strong enough for this fight.  Maybe I'll pick up a varlet along the way.  I don't suppose it matters.  I promised my mother I wouldn't do this.  "Politics will break your heart."  She said.  "You can't stop people from doing these things."  She said.  And yet, here I am.  Where is this windmill you say is threatening us?  

I wish Daddy hadn't died.  It's not that he'd know what I should do; I mean, he didn't when I was twenty-five, so why should he now? but sometimes, I just really miss him.  I've never found anyone who I could talk to like I talked with him.  I've tried.  I talk to him now and imagine his responses, but it's not the same.  

It's not hard to imagine myself in a boat with Daddy and Deaton and Robert Wingate and Rowan.  It's not hard to imagine the conversation between them and what they might say to my queries.  I'd type out their real dialogue here, but my aunt gets mad when I use that kind of language.

"Millsaps is in kind of a spot, Daddy,"  I say.

"What are you gonna do about it?"  Asks Robert.

"Right now, my plan is to just be there as much as I can.  Be there and look for opportunities."

"That's not too much of a plan."  Rowan says.

"I know, but it's all I got right now.  I wasn't expecting to find this."

Deaton focuses on his lure in the water.  The fish are coming.  "You've done this before, haven't you?"  He asks.

"I have.  I was much younger."

"Did you know what you were doing then?"  Deaton asks.

"Absolutely not,"  I answer.

"So, what's the difference now?" Deaton asks.  Taking a moment to look me in the eye.

"You four were alive for one thing.  I was younger.  I had more faith, more energy."

"Is there anything I could tell you now, that I didn't tell you then?" Daddy asks me.

"Probably not.  No sir.  There isn't."

"You know what you have to do, don't you?"

"Yes sir, I suppose I do.  I'll do it.  I promise."  I tell him.

"It's kind of late.  I don't have anything to do right now.  Is it ok if I just stay in the boat with you guys for a while?  We don't have to talk or anything.  I just really miss you.  I just really miss this."

"Look in that cooler and see if there's a sandwich for your cousin Robert.  Don't tell your momma I let you stay.  I don't suppose there's anything else I have to do right now, either.  I think Deaton's got a fish."